Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts

Sunday, January 12, 2020

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life - Henry Cloud and John Townsend

I struggle with boundaries. There I said it. I'm not sure why except to say that I don't like rocking the boat, and therefore not maintaining boundaries seems like the better option. As I've gotten older I have realized this is not the case. And now that I have kids of my own, the consequences of not setting boundaries is a constant and very annoying reminder.

In Boundaries, Cloud and Townsend, reiterate the importance of boundaries and the far reaching effects of not setting them. While I wholeheartedly agree, I found the book repetitive in parts and long on rhetoric but short on practical application, which is what I was really after in the first place. I didn't need to be sold on the benefits, I needed strategies to implement.

I did really appreciate a couple of beneficial nuggets, including not making my children responsible for my emotional reactions and that we are not meant to overcome problems by our will alone, that's why we have Christ. But I also noted that the biblical references seemed to be shoe-horned in without much thought to nuance and context.

So I had a bit of mixed reaction to reading the book, but overall I thought I benefited from reading it.

3/5 Stars. 

Friday, November 29, 2019

#IMomSoHard - Kristin Hensley & Jen Smedley

I first learned of Kristin and Jen in my heady days of Facebook (I'm currently in recovery - two years clean). I ran across one of their, I Mom So Hard videos shortly after the birth of my second child and laughed in the kind of sleep deprived delirium only a new baby can give you.

Last year me and my two Tennessee besties got to see these moms live and it was also a hilarious night, despite the fact I had to leave a little early to get back to relieve my teenage babysitter on a weeknight when my husband was out of town for work travel (I can attest that I really really needed that night out).

I was very tickled when my friend's husband lucked into a copy of this book through a work connection and decided to snag it for my (and your) enjoyment. I read it on the plane to and from California on a work trip. I laughed out loud. I nodded along in agreement. And mostly, I thanked heaven for honest women who aren't afraid to tell it like it is - with a side of humor (women ARE funny, just accept it).

From their devotion to each other, to their no topics barred approach to motherhood, Kristin and Jen are relate-able and reliable. So here's to all the moms out there momming so hard. I see you and I appreciate you. And you should read this book because you deserve a laugh and a moment to yourself (even if it is in the pantry alone where your kids can't find you).

3.75/5 Stars. 

Wednesday, July 17, 2019

The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children - Ross W. Greene

When our first child was a baby, he was impossible to soothe to sleep. We'd walk and rock and shush him and peering over at his face, his eyes would be wide open and alert. So on and on we'd walk, changing hands every 30 minutes when the frustration built and we were sure the lack of sleep was going to ruin our days. 

But as a toddler, he slept better and things were off to a good start. But when we signed him up for his first soccer season, it was evident that his emotional maturity was not quite those of his peers. He would refuse to be on the field, weep at the thought of being late, and lash out in frustration when told he would have to do something he didn't want to do. It didn't start at soccer, but it was the first aha moment that maybe the immovable object we encountered at home (literally he would become stiff and not move) was a sign of a greater issue that just stubborness or shyness. 

We started taking him to an excellent therapist prior to the start of his kindergarten year. And some of the coping techniques she taught him, and us, were extremely helpful. And yet, there remained moments, mostly centered on doing Kumon math worksheets, where his level of rage or frustration was beyond what we would or had expected. It was during a waiting room visit at a therapy session that I saw The Explosive Child sitting in a "lending library" of the therapist's office. "Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible"? Was there a camera in this waiting room to see if I picked this up?

Within the first few pages of reading, I felt something I didn't know I'd tightened in myself start to loosen up. "The reason reward and punishment strategies haven't helped is because they won't teach your child the skills he's lacking or solve the problems that are contributing to challenging episodes." 

There are so many times that we feel like we are failing as parents. If we can't get them to just behave and comply isn't that a reflection on our lack of skills? This entire book gives parents grace in abundance so they can in turn show their children grace. This should be obvious, but yet it's not. And I realized, ashamed, that I had been developing bad habits regarding conflict with my child, and was probably doing more damage to our relationship than missing a few worksheets was worth.

Okay so reset. Move to what Greene calls, Plan B, because clearly our Plan A wasn't working. And you know what, it requires you to have open and considerate communication with your child, to really show them you care about their concerns and their opinions. Are you still the boss? Yes, but your child is trying to learn skills that make them able to handle frustrations and disappointments. And yelling at them and imposing parental will isn't going to assist in that. 

It's harder than it sounds, but that's okay. Because "We can do hard things." And that lovely child of mine is worth it.

5/5 Stars.

Wednesday, January 23, 2019

Still Alice - Lisa Genova

Excuse me while my eyeballs adjust from all the crying. 

Still Alice is another page-turning and devastating look at neurological disease from the queen of this genre that I didn't know I needed, Lisa Genova. 

I read, and cried, all the way through Every Note Played (you can read that review here), last month so I decided I should return to see the book that "started it all" more or less for Genova. Interestingly, I preferred Every Note Played to Still Alice. The writing was more precise and polished. The dialogue more honest and well-timed. Every Note Played is the result of an artist at the top of her game. Still Alice is a younger, earlier work, of no less emotional power, but slightly rickety craftsmanship, which can only be seen in the comparison. 

Still Alice is the story of Alice Howland, a Harvard psychology professor who is in the apex of her career. She has raise three successful children who are now adults and forging careers of their own. She is well respected and sought out for speaking engagements and presentations. She's married to a biologist, John, and together they are an academic power couple. Alice has everything. A rewarding career, the respect of her peers, admiration from her students, and accolades for her work. The only slightly dark spot is a strained relationship with her youngest daughter, Lydia, who at 22 is living out in LA trying to make a career as an actress. Alice, being a Harvard professor, wants Lydia to go to school and give up on acting. 

But then subtle cracks in Alice's memory begin to show, including a particularly disturbing event where she gets lost blocks from home in an area of Cambridge she'd known well for more than 20 years. Alice decides to seek the advice of her doctor leading to a diagnosis of early onset Alzheimer's disease. 

Alice is able to trace her diagnosis to the strange behavior of her alcoholic father before his death. Her children then decide if they want to know if they too carry the gene for inherited EOAD. The thing I like so much about Genova's writing is that the characters aren't perfect. Even the minor characters can be well drawn. The child we spend the least amount of time with in the book is Tom. Alice's middle child, a busy doctor, so his treatment is the most superficial. But the daughters Anna and Lydia are well done. And seeing Alice's relationship with Lydia repair is the most satisfying part of an otherwise sad and tragic story. 

A while ago I read, We are Not Ourselves (you can read that review here). Which was told from the perspective of the wife of someone going through EOAD. Still Alice, written from Alice's perspective, was much more satisfying and personal. But having read that earlier book I did understand more where Alice's husband, John, was coming from. However, at the end, I was most dissatisfied with John, who seemed to have his own view of how to treat Alice's disease, and therefore, Alice. But just because I didn't like how the end of the book was left with John, does not mean that plot or story-wise, it was the wrong decision for Genova to make. 

As a lover of audio books, I will say that not all books are meant to be read by the author. This makes sense when a memoir connects the content to the speaker. But in a work of fiction, with dialogue between many characters, the work of a real professional narrator really does make a difference. This book was read by the author so it missed a little of the inflection and warmth a good narrator can bring to a story. 

But since I sometimes couldn't hear the words for sobbing, it's probably just a minor issue.

4/5 Stars. 

Thursday, January 10, 2019

Strong Mothers, Strong Sons: Lessons Mothers Need to Raise Extraordinary Men - Meg Meeker

"In most situations we encounter with our sons, our instincts tell us how we should respond and what we should do. So when you are faced with a decision that you must make about your son and you feel confused, I encourage you to pull back from the advice of well-meaning friends and listen to what the small voice inside you is trying to say."
At times repetitive, but I did gain some good insight from reading this book about mothers and sons, and mothering sons. It made me ask some hard questions about the way I parent and whether I am allowing my husband equal opportunity for parenting. Since fathers (or father figures) are so important for boys, pushing for a closer relationship between those two is important. There were several passages I snapped a photo of and sent to my sister, "remind you of anyone?" (Sorry Dad, but it was all RIGHT there). 

Meg Meeker is a physician who has seen many mothers and sons in her practice. In Strong Mothers, Strong Sons, she imparts many of the lessons she's learned from her patients and from mothering a son of her own.

One chapter deals with making sure your son is not overly dependent on you. Allowing him to fight his own fights and battles but supporting him all the same. It's an interesting phenomenon I've seen tangentially through work and talking with people who work in higher education. Parents who call professors regarding grades. Parents who manage grocery deliveries and try to mediate roommate squabbles. And this is for young adults. Meeker mentions mothers who finish homework for boys and take to Facebook for public airing of their sons grievances. Yikes. Won't be doing that (I hope).

I also really appreciated the section that talked about boys and sex. I'm a squeamish person by nature. I hate awkwardness in all forms. And sex talks between parents and kids seems really just, awkward. But Meeker gives some really basic pointers and conversation starters for boys of any age. Curious, I gave it a shot testing out the elementary age question suggested that went something like this:

ME: "I know kids at school might start saying things about what Moms and Dads do when they get married and are in love, like kiss and stuff. If you ever have any questions about that, you can always ask me since I'm a grown up and I know a lot of stuff and because kids sometimes get confused about those things and may not give you the best information." 

KID: silence

ME: "So is there anything you want to ask me about that? Or tell me about that?"

KID: "Well, this one kid in the cafeteria, put all his milk in his mouth and then squirted it all over the table and it even came out his nose."

Ah, okay we'll table this and check back in a few months. All is well in first grade boy land at the moment. 

Since I'm goal oriented and reading one parenting book a year is a goal of mine, I'm happy to get this goal checked off my list. And bonus, I actually learned a few things in the process.

3.5/5 Stars. 

Thursday, January 18, 2018

Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings: How to Stop the Fighting and Raise Friends for Life - Laura Markham

Every time I read a Laura Markham book I vacillate between thinking I'm a terrible parent, and then that maybe I'm doing okay. As my children are getting older and conflict seems to be inevitable, Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings was a good resource to find some ways to foster their relationship.

Markham begins the book with some of the foundational precepts that made me appreciate Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids (you can read that review here), and served as good reminders of those things I have casually forgotten in the two years since I read the earlier book. 

I'm thankful to have the reminder and have been trying to put the ideas into practice, even as our post-Christmas euphoria has devolved into the same petty squabbles of finding and equipping ourselves with shoes and coats which make up the most stressful 20 minutes of my morning.

4/5 Stars. 

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

The Lowland - Jhumpa Lahiri

Sunil Malhotra again beautifully narrates a tale of brothers living separate but irrevocably entwined lives in Jhumpa Lahiri's novel, The Lowland. (Malhotra also narrated Cutting for Stone - you can read that review here). 

Raised in Calcutta (Kolkata), Subhash and Udayan are inquisitive about the place in which they live and the social hierarchies endemic both of the Indian culture, and the British imperialist relic. It is Udayan who becomes critical of the disparity in wealth and stature which the nearby Tally Club represents, an exclusive golf club for members only. 

Udayan's passion leads him to communist thinkers such as Che, Mao, Marx, Castro. He looks at the world and is impatient with his inability to make a difference, to rise to the level of notoriety achieved by other communist leaders. He becomes more active in the communist party in India, and for it, he pays the ultimate price.

Udayan's misplaced idealism has a chain reaction of negative consequences - his parent's withdrawal and overwhelming sorrow, Subhash's assimilation of the life Udayan was living including marrying Goudi, Udayan's pregnant widow and taking her to Rhode Island where he plans to continue his studies, Goudi's inability to find contentment and love with Subhash and her daughter Bela, Goudi's eventual abandonment of them both to pursue her own academic interests. 

All of the above is told in Lahiri's beautifully woven prose. While some of the characters fail to fully emerge from the page, even as they become the narrators of their story, overall The Lowland delivers a story of one person's destructive effect on generations up and down the familial tree and how those individuals work or not, to overcome the pain and destruction caused.

4/5 Stars. 

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Ready, Set, Breathe: Practicing Mindfulness with Your Children for Fewer Meltdowns and a More Peaceful Family - Carla Naumburg

I received this book for free from NetGalley in exchange for an honest review. I've been neglecting my NetGalley shelf until recently and I'm trying to work through those books and have come up with a few surprises lately.

This book suffered from a busy couple weeks over the labor day holiday and beyond. Ironically, as I read this parenting book about mindfulness and meditation, I was constantly interrupted by my sweet darling, but also sometimes exhausting children. So I never felt like I got into a flow for reading this book. 

The book is based on the principles of mindfulness - rather, noticing things and being curious about them in a compassionate way. I've tried several of the mindfulness exercises described in the book with my kids so far and with good results. For example, our short 3 1/2 mile drive from daycare to home in the evening is usually punctuated by extreme whining and crying. Hungry kids who have missed Mom and Dad all day are letting out their emotions as we drive home. It's a short 15 minute trip but it always seems to take ages because of all the crying. 

So on a recent trip home I decided to employ a noticing technique before the crying started in earnest. I asked the kids to describe the cars around us and asked them which colors they saw. Then I asked them to tell me what colors were missing. We then made it a mission to find those missing colors. Ever since that drive, when we are in the car driving anywhere, the kids are ecstatic when they see - notice - a rare colored car. (As a side note, God bless those of you driving yellow cars, it's their favorite). It's ratcheted down the amount of crying that happens in the car and for that I am grateful. 

My 4 1/2 year old is a real hitting machine. When he's made he screams and hits stuff, even people, mostly his sister. So I've started some of the noticing techniques with him so he can identify what is going on with him. He gets a real kick out of me asking him if "Grumpy Pete" has shown up at the dinner table. And I don't make judgments on Grumpy Pete, just that he's grumpy, and that I'd like to see if Hungry Pete is available for dinner. My son thinks this is hilarious, but it also reinforces the mindfulness lesson that our emotions can be changed, by us, and by our recognizing that those emotions exist. It's been a great exercise for us and has helped defuse some potential meltdowns. 

Overall I still thought Peaceful Parent Happy Kids (read that review here) was more sound. I found this one a bit repetitive and too unmoored from actual scientific study, but since I'm getting results with the practices, I can't actually complain. I don't consider this a foundational parenting book, but it definitely is a useful tool

3.5/5 Stars.

Thursday, July 14, 2016

Loving Our Kids on Purpose - Danny Silk

This book made my heart happy. I read Peaceful Parent Happy Kids earlier this year (you can read that review here) and this book was a good follow up to that one. I first heard the book mentioned on a blog I follow (tinygreenelephants.com) and was interested because the blog author always seems to have a sweet understanding of her children's needs and I was interested in where she found inspiration. Plus, my momma heart needed a refresher after a rather difficult week with the kids. Nothing special or unique had happened, but the daily battle for moving kids from one task to the next had really started to wear on me. 

The book is short, and I should add, written from a very Christian perspective. There is reference to quite a bit of scripture in there and perhaps this would make the book unappealing to some. But the core message is heartening. 

You cannot control your kids. If you try, you will damage your relationship with them.

It really is that simple. I thought about all the relationships I have in my life and tried to pick out one, just one that was based in control. None of them are. None. So what am I trying to do with my kids? Why do I feel the need to control all their actions and behaviors? I can't do that. What I can do is offer them choices, and if needed, consequences - those will help to shape who they are and the choices they will make later on when their world becomes larger. 

Danny Silk makes a point to say, that while your children are young, yes you can control them with your anger, with the threat of violence, but what do you do when they get older, and actually have some power to defy you? Would you rather rely on your relationship, and their love for you to guide their decisions. I think this is a pretty easy question. I had wished the book was a bit longer with more examples and probably some kind of quick visual guide to remember all the salient points - I probably just should have taken notes.

So, I charge on in this parenting thing, trying to keep in mind that I don't control these two tiny, perfect humans I have made, but instead, when I ask them for the 90th time in the morning to put their shoes on, this time I may just be able to offer them a choice, put your shoes on now, or take them in the care and put them on at school? Both options, it turns out, I can live with.

4/5 Stars.

Thursday, February 4, 2016

Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting - Laura Markham

Talk about putting someone through the mommy guilt wringer. While reading listening to this book, I vacillated between chastising myself for essentially ruining my children's lives and patting myself on the back for maybe not doing such a bad job afterall. The final outcome is that yeah, I could probably do better as a parent. And lucky for my kids, I'd like to try to do better. I won't always get there, but I will try. So they've basically won the parenting lottery right?

Essentially, if I had to condense this book's advice into a single sentence, it would be, "Don't be an asshole." And really that's kind of it. But it's more nuanced of course, as all things parenting are. In effect, we must realize that "do as I say, and not as I do" is not an effective parenting technique. Children learn by watching adults, and for the large portion of their early lives those role models are their parents. When we yell and overcome them with physical force to prove a point or to punish, we are modeling to them the way we believe they should handle their own conflicts. NO WONDER WE HAVEN'T ACHIEVED WORLD PEACE YET! 

It also touches on a lot of the evidence from studies that suggest that children cognitively cannot pull their behavior into line with our expectations with the kind of regularity we would expect from adults. So give the kids a break, show them some love, understanding, and compassion, and move on from a punishment mindset. All in all some good reminders for busy parents. If you don't want to read the entire book, just check out the website where a lot of these topics are discussed. You can find it here.

4/5 Stars.