The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children - Ross W. Greene

When our first child was a baby, he was impossible to soothe to sleep. We'd walk and rock and shush him and peering over at his face, his eyes would be wide open and alert. So on and on we'd walk, changing hands every 30 minutes when the frustration built and we were sure the lack of sleep was going to ruin our days. 

But as a toddler, he slept better and things were off to a good start. But when we signed him up for his first soccer season, it was evident that his emotional maturity was not quite those of his peers. He would refuse to be on the field, weep at the thought of being late, and lash out in frustration when told he would have to do something he didn't want to do. It didn't start at soccer, but it was the first aha moment that maybe the immovable object we encountered at home (literally he would become stiff and not move) was a sign of a greater issue that just stubborness or shyness. 

We started taking him to an excellent therapist prior to the start of his kindergarten year. And some of the coping techniques she taught him, and us, were extremely helpful. And yet, there remained moments, mostly centered on doing Kumon math worksheets, where his level of rage or frustration was beyond what we would or had expected. It was during a waiting room visit at a therapy session that I saw The Explosive Child sitting in a "lending library" of the therapist's office. "Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible"? Was there a camera in this waiting room to see if I picked this up?

Within the first few pages of reading, I felt something I didn't know I'd tightened in myself start to loosen up. "The reason reward and punishment strategies haven't helped is because they won't teach your child the skills he's lacking or solve the problems that are contributing to challenging episodes." 

There are so many times that we feel like we are failing as parents. If we can't get them to just behave and comply isn't that a reflection on our lack of skills? This entire book gives parents grace in abundance so they can in turn show their children grace. This should be obvious, but yet it's not. And I realized, ashamed, that I had been developing bad habits regarding conflict with my child, and was probably doing more damage to our relationship than missing a few worksheets was worth.

Okay so reset. Move to what Greene calls, Plan B, because clearly our Plan A wasn't working. And you know what, it requires you to have open and considerate communication with your child, to really show them you care about their concerns and their opinions. Are you still the boss? Yes, but your child is trying to learn skills that make them able to handle frustrations and disappointments. And yelling at them and imposing parental will isn't going to assist in that. 

It's harder than it sounds, but that's okay. Because "We can do hard things." And that lovely child of mine is worth it.

5/5 Stars.