You Can't Touch My Hair: And Other Things I Still Have to Explain - Phoebe Robinson

I really needed this book after a lot of heavy reading in January. It was full of really honest critiques but also funny. I listened to this as an audio book, which based on how it unfurled, might be the only way to really digest this book. 

You Can't Touch My Hair (YCTMH) comes through in a series of essays by Phoebe Robinson, one of two women who make up the podcast duo of Two Dope Queens. Phoebe has been a writer, standup comedian, and actress and is still making her way in the entertainment business. I gather from the book that the book deal came after the popular success of a blog, Blaria (Black Daria), but I've never read the blog before.

Robinson is a few years younger than me, so her pop culture references were on the periphery of my own experience, but still close enough that I understood them. Glad I didn't waste time watching The Kingsmen even though I love Colin Firth. Listening to the book was a bit like spending an extended period of time with a Millennial. As a gen-x type I got a little tired of the constant voice modulations prevalent in the young, but that's probably spot on generation-wise. 

I digress. I've spent time this past year consciously trying to make an effort to listen to more voices that aren't like mine, specifically cis, het, college educated, white woman. My echo chamber is deep and wide after almost ten years of college and post-graduate education. So listening to Robinson's book was not only entertaining because of the jokes, but also interesting because of the different perspective Robinson brings as a black woman.

In the end, I felt the book ran a little long. I feel like there was quite a bit of material added for the audiobook that may not have appeared in print, and in the end it felt a little repetitive, but YCTMH still made me laugh. I actually spit coffee out in my car when she referred to Craig's List as Lucifer's Taint.

That's back to back Robinson books for me (Michelle Robinson aka Michelle Obama and Phoebe Robinson). What should I read next? 

3/5 Stars.

Becoming - Michelle Obama

"... sameness breeds more sameness, until you make a thoughtful effort to counteract it."

What can I possibly say about Michelle Obama that hasn't been said before? Becoming is the telling of her story - well known to those who care to know it. She grew up on the lower end of middle class on Chicago's south side, in a neighborhood on a downward slide amid white flight to the suburbs. She was supported by two loving parents who pushed hard for her education and was accepted at the Whitney Young Magnet School in downtown Chicago. From there she went to Princeton, a school at which high school counselor had told her she did not belong. Then she continued on to Harvard Law School, accepted off the wait list. From there she was hired as an associate at Sidley Austin, a large law firm in Chicago and where she met summer associate, Barack Obama, serving as his advisor at the firm. 

Michelle grew tired of the law firm grind, wanting to do more with her life. She left there for a job at the City, working with Valerie Jarrett. Then on to a non-profit creating mentoring programs for young underprivileged people - connecting young people with promise, but not opportunity - with non-profits in need of talent and tenacity. By the time her husband was a United States Senator, Michelle was working as an executive at the University of Chicago Medical Center. Her mission? Helping the Medical Center and University make an impact in the south side neighborhood where it provided little opportunity and no tax base for the surrounding citizens. 

I'm aware of the things that are said about Michelle. That she only cares about money. If that was the case she could have stayed as a high-powered Sidley attorney making a hefty mid-six figure summary. That she hates America. Which in itself is a ridiculous thing to throw at someone, but in any case, would a person who hates this country give so much back to it? Focus signature programs and dedicate her professional life prior to becoming a public figure to bettering America's most needy communities? 

This well-educated, eloquent, smart, funny, deep, and thoughtful human being made her signature policy in the White House a focus on the growing childhood obesity epidemic and ways to combat that through exercise and nutrition. That's right. She asked parents, schools, restaurants, manufacturers, and corporations to make better decisions for children's health.

And people hate her for it.

I don't know how she could have put up with it. I don't know why anyone would want to. But she did. And she opened the White House up to vast numbers of "regular" Americans. She visited wounded service members at Walter Reed Medical Center. She gave commencement speeches at universities and high schools who could hardly believe their fortune in snagging such a high profile speaker. 

She cared about all Americans. Black Americans. Brown Americans. Poor Americans. Veterans. Groups that are marginalized and overlooked. She noted where our country, through policy, negligence, malice, or ignorance, failed these groups.

And people hate her for it. 

So yeah, I know she doesn't need my defense. Because Michelle is doing just fine on her own. But sometimes I look at the headlines and the vitriol spewed in the comments section of social media (I know, I know, I need to not read them) and I think about whether I am doing enough to reflect the country as I think it is or could be. And in that I feel a real kinship with Michelle Obama and the causes she's committed her life to and the way she's chosen to live her life. 

The question is: “Do we settle for the world as it is, or do we work for the world as it should be?”

5/5 Stars. 

Still Alice - Lisa Genova

Excuse me while my eyeballs adjust from all the crying. 

Still Alice is another page-turning and devastating look at neurological disease from the queen of this genre that I didn't know I needed, Lisa Genova. 

I read, and cried, all the way through Every Note Played (you can read that review here), last month so I decided I should return to see the book that "started it all" more or less for Genova. Interestingly, I preferred Every Note Played to Still Alice. The writing was more precise and polished. The dialogue more honest and well-timed. Every Note Played is the result of an artist at the top of her game. Still Alice is a younger, earlier work, of no less emotional power, but slightly rickety craftsmanship, which can only be seen in the comparison. 

Still Alice is the story of Alice Howland, a Harvard psychology professor who is in the apex of her career. She has raise three successful children who are now adults and forging careers of their own. She is well respected and sought out for speaking engagements and presentations. She's married to a biologist, John, and together they are an academic power couple. Alice has everything. A rewarding career, the respect of her peers, admiration from her students, and accolades for her work. The only slightly dark spot is a strained relationship with her youngest daughter, Lydia, who at 22 is living out in LA trying to make a career as an actress. Alice, being a Harvard professor, wants Lydia to go to school and give up on acting. 

But then subtle cracks in Alice's memory begin to show, including a particularly disturbing event where she gets lost blocks from home in an area of Cambridge she'd known well for more than 20 years. Alice decides to seek the advice of her doctor leading to a diagnosis of early onset Alzheimer's disease. 

Alice is able to trace her diagnosis to the strange behavior of her alcoholic father before his death. Her children then decide if they want to know if they too carry the gene for inherited EOAD. The thing I like so much about Genova's writing is that the characters aren't perfect. Even the minor characters can be well drawn. The child we spend the least amount of time with in the book is Tom. Alice's middle child, a busy doctor, so his treatment is the most superficial. But the daughters Anna and Lydia are well done. And seeing Alice's relationship with Lydia repair is the most satisfying part of an otherwise sad and tragic story. 

A while ago I read, We are Not Ourselves (you can read that review here). Which was told from the perspective of the wife of someone going through EOAD. Still Alice, written from Alice's perspective, was much more satisfying and personal. But having read that earlier book I did understand more where Alice's husband, John, was coming from. However, at the end, I was most dissatisfied with John, who seemed to have his own view of how to treat Alice's disease, and therefore, Alice. But just because I didn't like how the end of the book was left with John, does not mean that plot or story-wise, it was the wrong decision for Genova to make. 

As a lover of audio books, I will say that not all books are meant to be read by the author. This makes sense when a memoir connects the content to the speaker. But in a work of fiction, with dialogue between many characters, the work of a real professional narrator really does make a difference. This book was read by the author so it missed a little of the inflection and warmth a good narrator can bring to a story. 

But since I sometimes couldn't hear the words for sobbing, it's probably just a minor issue.

4/5 Stars. 

Hillbilly Elegy: A Memoir of a Family and Culture in Crisis - J.D. Vance

"There's something powerful about realizing that you've undersold yourself. That somehow your mind confused effort for a lack of ability." - JD Vance, Hillbilly Elegy

Now compare that with this:

"Failure is a feeling long before it becomes an actual result. It's vulnerability that breeds with self-doubt and then is escalated, often deliberately, by fear." - Michelle Obama, Becoming

It's not lost on me that I was reading both of these books at the same time and finding raw similarities with the struggles and experiences of Michelle Obama and JD Vance. It's interesting actually, how much in common poor white working class neighborhoods have in common with poor minority urban neighborhoods. This is something that was not lost on Vance, who says while he was in high school and college, would read books and studies on the problems of people living below the poverty line. And even though the books and studies focused on urban areas and struggles, he recognized and identified those issues even in his own life and community. That these two people, JD Vance and Michelle Obama, could grow up in under served and underrepresented neighborhoods, advance to Ivy League law schools (Yale and Harvard respectively) and come out with such divergent politics to solve the problems they identified in their communities is an interesting look at American politics and likely the role of race in modern America.

I was really intrigued reading Hillbilly Elegy. Let's not make a mistake in thinking that JD Vance is writing a book aimed at analyzing or solving the problems of white working class America. This is first and foremost a memoir. It seeks firstly to tell the story of JD Vance and his family. The struggles they endured and the legacy issues passed down for generations in his family. He struggled, he survived, he got out, and he was lucky. And he knows it. And there's something satisfying about that because he did work hard but he only knew what he knew. 

Unable to wade through the confusing and never ending trail of paperwork required to receive tuition assistance, Vance joined the Marine Corps and came out four years later smarter and more equipped to tackle the enrollment challenges of a four-year college. He also came out with a wider network of experience through support from his Marine Corps family. It really cannot be stressed enough that we don't know what we don't know and sometimes those barriers are the most important ones for people trying to rise up out of a terrible situation and cycle of poverty. 

Vance says, "Social capital isn't manifest only in someone connecting you to a friend or passing a resume on to an old boss. It is also, or perhaps primarily, a measure of how much we learn from our friends, colleagues, and mentors." The raw truth is that people who live in communities stuck in cycles of poverty, violence, drug abuse, etc. have very little social capital to make a change for themselves. And then are blamed for not taking advantage of opportunities they couldn't even begin to comprehend existed for them. 

I grew up only 18 miles from JD Vance's childhood hometown of Middletown, Ohio. I too referred to it as Middle-tucky. A derogatory term meant to express the lack of education or "sophistication" of the inhabitants. (What can I say, kids are assholes). And I know precisely the kind of lethargy surrounding communities that see no possibility of getting ahead, and so just stop trying. I don't have the answers on how to fix that, and neither does Vance. He's not a sociologist, psychologist, urban planner, community organizer, or any of those things. He's a guy with a story.

Downtown Middletown Ohio via drone. via: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3qAzcuEZGOc

I can see why the media took this story and tried to make it out to be some kind of insight to the Trump Train mentality. I get it. I see the people he describes as left behind. He talks explicitly at having sympathy for them, but also does not excuse their own behavior which contributes to their plight. But this book is not an explanation of the Trump phenomenon. It can't be. It's one man's story of his childhood trauma and struggles. And he makes no attempt to make that broader leap. 

That Vance was criticized by the both right and left for some of the things said in his story is not surprising there's plenty for both here to get dug in about. But I prefer to just look at this as one man's story. And I prefer to just take that as it is and offer him the simple respect of accepting his truth as he tells it. He's the one that lived it in any case. I owe him that much. That's as much as we owe each other at least.

3 3/4 Stars.

Strong Mothers, Strong Sons: Lessons Mothers Need to Raise Extraordinary Men - Meg Meeker

"In most situations we encounter with our sons, our instincts tell us how we should respond and what we should do. So when you are faced with a decision that you must make about your son and you feel confused, I encourage you to pull back from the advice of well-meaning friends and listen to what the small voice inside you is trying to say."
At times repetitive, but I did gain some good insight from reading this book about mothers and sons, and mothering sons. It made me ask some hard questions about the way I parent and whether I am allowing my husband equal opportunity for parenting. Since fathers (or father figures) are so important for boys, pushing for a closer relationship between those two is important. There were several passages I snapped a photo of and sent to my sister, "remind you of anyone?" (Sorry Dad, but it was all RIGHT there). 

Meg Meeker is a physician who has seen many mothers and sons in her practice. In Strong Mothers, Strong Sons, she imparts many of the lessons she's learned from her patients and from mothering a son of her own.

One chapter deals with making sure your son is not overly dependent on you. Allowing him to fight his own fights and battles but supporting him all the same. It's an interesting phenomenon I've seen tangentially through work and talking with people who work in higher education. Parents who call professors regarding grades. Parents who manage grocery deliveries and try to mediate roommate squabbles. And this is for young adults. Meeker mentions mothers who finish homework for boys and take to Facebook for public airing of their sons grievances. Yikes. Won't be doing that (I hope).

I also really appreciated the section that talked about boys and sex. I'm a squeamish person by nature. I hate awkwardness in all forms. And sex talks between parents and kids seems really just, awkward. But Meeker gives some really basic pointers and conversation starters for boys of any age. Curious, I gave it a shot testing out the elementary age question suggested that went something like this:

ME: "I know kids at school might start saying things about what Moms and Dads do when they get married and are in love, like kiss and stuff. If you ever have any questions about that, you can always ask me since I'm a grown up and I know a lot of stuff and because kids sometimes get confused about those things and may not give you the best information." 

KID: silence

ME: "So is there anything you want to ask me about that? Or tell me about that?"

KID: "Well, this one kid in the cafeteria, put all his milk in his mouth and then squirted it all over the table and it even came out his nose."

Ah, okay we'll table this and check back in a few months. All is well in first grade boy land at the moment. 

Since I'm goal oriented and reading one parenting book a year is a goal of mine, I'm happy to get this goal checked off my list. And bonus, I actually learned a few things in the process.

3.5/5 Stars. 

Y is for Yesterday - Sue Grafton

I want to give Y a 3.5 star review mostly because this is the final one. The last alphabet mystery due to the passing of Sue Grafton. And I will say that although I usually rate these books around the 3-star mark. The body of the work itself is a 4-star effort. Grafton kept Kinsey consistent and interesting. Her writing evolved and got better over time. The stories were entertaining.

In Y is for Yesterday, Kinsey is asked to track down an extortionist who is threatening to release a damning video tape implicating a recently released felon for sexual abuse. The felon's parents, not eager to part with the $25,000 demand, and also not eager to see their only son head back to prison, hire Kinsey to figure it out. 

In the meantime, Ned Lowe, the big bad from X is back in play and he wants his trinkets (you know the nice mementos from all those teenage girls he killed). So Kinsey plays the two things together, her paid gig, and her private matter. I can't believe I read X way back in August 2017, so it's understandable why this all seemed so vague. 

The book gives us a bit of backstory on the video tape issue. Turns out (forgive my terrible spelling of names, I listened to the audio), when Iris Loehman steals the test answers for her friends and Climping Academy, it sets in motion a chain of events that lead to the tape and Kinsey. Iris gives the test answers to her friend Poppy Earl and Poppy's boyfriend, Troy Radamacher. Those two are turned in for treating and an influental and grade A A-hole, Austin Brown, points the finger at fellow junior Sloane for ratting out the two. Everyone shuns Sloane. To get them to stop, Sloane steals a video tape of four boys, Troy, Bayard Montgomery, Fritz McCabe and Austin sexually assaulting and documenting the assault of 14 year old Iris. 

Sloane threatens Austin with the tape and he calls off the shunning, then inviting Sloane to his house to get the tape and smooth things over. When she doesn't bring it, the four boys take Sloane up the mountain to an abandoned camp and she is killed by Fritz with Austin's father's hand gun. The boys try to hide the body and lie about the circumstances, but Fritz, who was 15, rolls over and confesses. Bayard exchanges his testimony for immunity. Austin disappears. Troy and Fritz both go to jail. The tape is lost, allegedly until it shows up at Fritz's house with a demand for $25K. 

There are so many possible players on this. Kinsey does her best even though she knows it's a small chance she can figure out who has the tape. The flashback chapters do a good job of teasing out the murder story, even when it seems this would be inconsequential as the murderers and circumstances are more or less known. But they do a good job of establishing who knew what and what the stakes are for the individual players. 

That being said, there is a hefty bit of repetition a good editor should have caught. Things told in real time to Kinsey still appear in the flashbacks in almost the exact format. Also, remember in X when I complained about the voracious details regarding Kinsey's car wash? Well here we're treated to a multiple page description of Iris' chicken dinner preparations. Not needed. 

It's kind of sad that Grafton wasn't able to write a final Z novel (her family has confirmed that Y will be the last Alphabet mystery) but the 25 novels following Kinsey Milhone is not a bad life's work to hang it up on, some never get such an opportunity. RIP Sue Grafton.

3.5/5 Stars